So I met a girl last night, but alas, she's the one that got away. Here's how it happened...
I came back home to the Bay Area for the holidays, and for NYE, I went to a party at my childhood buddy Siphal's house. I get there around 9pm and spot this cute Filipino chick I've never seen before. Siphal was talking to her on the couch and suddenly directs her to me. Apparently, they were talking about drug counseling and addiction treatment or something (a field she is involved with), so he pointed out that I work for the show Intervention (my friends tend to make a big deal out of the irony that a trainwreck like me could land a job on such a program - of course, deep down inside, they're just jealous of my boyish good looks and the fact that I've been living in LA for almost three years and haven't gone crazy... yet). Anyway, before the girl and I even exchanged names, she asked for my number to network about job opportunities. I guess my Intervention gig is a bit of a chick magnet, since I don't remember the last time a girl asked for my digits at the beginning of the party less than five mins into meeting me. Shortly after, it became apparent that this girl (whose name was Jodie) came with Rob, my friend since junior high. It was never made clear what their relationship was, but he straight up told everybody that he brought her for the homies, ya know, like that Snoop Dogg song. Rob knew she wanted my number and told me to go ahead and *SYB her.
*URBAN DICTIONARY
S-Y-B (v.): to steal someone else's girl; a term my buddies and I have been using with each other since the 90's.
Example: I can't wait to become a sophomore so I can SYB all the freshman guys on campus!
Example: She's so pimp that she doesn't even go for bi or gay chicks anymore. She'll just SYB straight girls away from their boyfriends.
S-Y-B-ed (adj./past tense): to have your girl stolen by someone else.
Example: Because Mr. Ahmad's wife had a lifelong secret fetish for Jewish men, he easily got SYBed by Mr. Bergman.
So it was settled: I was given the SYB challenge for the night as everyone at the party watched me spit game on Jodie and try to take her off of Rob's hands. They supported me, they rooted for me, and some of them were even nice enough to refrain from telling her about my bedwetting skills as a boy. I told her more about my job, my life in LA, and whatever else I could come up with to fool her into thinking I'm actually an interesting guy. I must have succeeded because right after the clock struck midnight and everyone toasted and cheered, Jodie and I were conveniently sitting next to each other and she said to me that this was her first NY countdown in which she didn't have someone to kiss. Of course, in the back of my head, I giggled like a horny Japanese schoolgirl and thought, "Damn, she's not even trying to be subtle about wanting me to make a move, eh?" So I gave her her first kiss of 2010, and you would think this was the beginning of the long, enduring tale behind how I turned into a divorced father of five whose entire Hollywood paycheck goes to a gold-digging ex-wife and child support for the five half-Filipino brats she gave me.
Sorry y'all, but no, the night didn't quite end that way. Slowly but surely, my SYB game started to fall apart. First, I followed Siphal's orders and invited Jodie to come chill upstairs in one of the bedrooms, to which she insisted on staying downstairs. Next, out of nowhere, she became obsessed with my friend Tony, whom I've known since high school and has recently been practicing Mua Thai martial arts. She kept going on and on about how amazing he was and that she wanted to challenge him. Tony wouldn't fight her, but she kept trying. This basically continued until she left the party, which happened at around 1am when Rob decided he wanted to call it a night. My buddies told me to get her to stay and offer to take her home after, but as far as I was concerned at that point, it was already a lost cause (and a lost erection). So I just let her go... *cue melancholy violin music*
Fast forward to 10 in the morning: the remaining party people wake up in the house. Everyone asks me what happened with Jodie, that they thought she was into me, and how I managed to lose the SYB challenge. At first, I blamed most of it on Tony. Eventually though, I thought of another key factor: the kiss! See, I certainly gave Jodie an NY countdown kiss like she asked for, but then I came to realize what type of kiss I gave her:
1) The type of kiss that'll finally turn me into a human prince?
2) The "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" type of kiss?
3) The type of kiss you give your grandma when she doesn't have her dentures on?
That's right, Jodie got kiss type # 3 from me, a few light pecks on the lips. Why did I do that? Well, I was kinda shy about getting too kinky and suddenly making out with her in front of everybody in the living room. I certainly didn't want everyone to think I was a ho. To this, Siphal laughed. So did his sister Linda...
LINDA: What happened to what's her face? Did you tap that?
LE: Naw, I think she lost interest in me after I kissed her, because I didn't give her a real kiss.
SIPHAL: What the fuck, why didn't you just slobber her with a Frenchie? You should've done that and then went on to search for the 150 spots on her body, hahaha!!!
LE: What 150 spots on her body?
SIPHAL: The secret spots where she'll get sexually aroused. I read about it in the debut issue of Cosmo Magazine for Men, and the second issue, as well as the third and the fourth and the fifth.
LE: I don't know. I didn't wanna act like a ho around everybody.
LINDA: As if everybody doesn't already know you're a ho. It ain't no secret.
SIPHAL: I know, Le. We've been ho-ing it since the 4th grade. What do you need to be shy about?
LE: Sorry man I screwed up last night, and now I'm ho-less for 2010.
SIPHAL: So what? Don't let that discourage you.
LINDA: Yeah Le, that's your problem. You need to continue ho-ing no matter what happens. Have some self-confidence, damn it!
SIPHAL: Yup it's true. So the girl got away last night. It happens. That shouldn't take away from your inner ho-Le-ness. It just means that for now, you're a solo ho.
LINDA: Fo' sho, kinda like a ho for one, an independent ho, an unsigned ho.
LE: Hmmmm.
SIPHAL: Yeah cuz if it's one thing I've learned about you over the years, it's that even if you weren't dating or doing anything with any girl, you were still a ho at heart, and you can't deny that.
LE: Aaawww really?
LINDA: Yeah so no point in being shy about it.
LE: Geez thanks guys. I love y'all.
Perhaps it was for the best because the other thing everyone was asking was how Jodie could've been so drunk and stupid last night that she walked past the flat screen TV in the living room and fell right into it. In any case, I hugged Siphal and Linda and then everyone else at the house as I grabbed my stuff and got ready to leave. The impact of this revelation was still quite fresh in my mind as I exited the house and received my first dose of sunlight for 2010. With the brightness that surrounded me when I swung the door open, I walked out into a new year of shining possibilities, with new hope, and ho-pe!!!
Happy 2010!!!
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